I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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