Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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