wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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