So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
