I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Randomize
