trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Randomize
