Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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