May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
