guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
