wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
