No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
