Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
try to milk me bitch
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
