if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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