He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
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