you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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