I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
