I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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