he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
