wrigley field is MILF paradise
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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