i don't like sucking hair
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
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