we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Randomize
