Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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