There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
you inspire me to be a worse person
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
