Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
