Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
