just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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