This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
