I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
