You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
