threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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