a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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