I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
