Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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