why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
