The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
