you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
