You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
