Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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