i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
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