just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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