worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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