So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Duck Duck Cougar?
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
