Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
