I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
