I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
