Well apparently he's into motor boating.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
