i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
