Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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