Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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