Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
