He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Randomize
