I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
