you would pick up someone in the library
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Randomize
