I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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