he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
