I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
When are your genitals available?
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Randomize