I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
